Eurovision 2017

“There are only two ways to live your life. One: as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Jacques Houdek

I enjoy Eurovision. I don’t really care about the ‘political’ side of it, I don’t care that it’s cheesy or over-the-top since it’s only once a year, and I certainly don’t care if other people laugh at me or think I’m a melt because I watch it every year without fail. To me, sitting with close friends watching daft telly and eating takeaway (Pizza Hut was what we opted for) is an ideal Saturday night.

This year Eurovision was hosted in Kiev, home of the chicken kiev, aka the capital of Ukraine. I root for Ukraine every year. Why do I root for Ukraine, you may be wondering. “Is it because you’re against Russian oppression?” friends have asked me. No, it is not, although I certainly don't support oppression; it’s because Ukraine was absolutely ROBBED of a win back in 2007, when my favourite act of all time, Verka Serduchka, came second place to a frankly rubbish entry from Serbia that no one can even remember. And speaking of Verka, he was there last night, naturally with his mum by his side, dancing in the crowd and reminding us all of the utmost talent Ukraine has to offer. I cheered when I saw his shiny star-shaped hat grace the TV screen, and even danced along when the amazing ‘Dancing Lasha Tumbai’ came on. Just iconic.

The fact that my highlight of the night was a throwback to a former participant says quite a lot about this year’s caliber of contestants. There was no real stand-out performance, no ‘Fairytale’ or ‘Rise Like a Phoenix’. Admittedly my favourite aspect of Eurovision is the silliness and campiness of it, which is why I adore Verka Serduchka so much, and this year there just wasn’t enough silliness! Azerbaijan was probably the weirdest, involving a lady rocking a bold lip standing in a little black box with angry words like ‘fight’ and ‘thorns’ written on it in chalk, joined by a Bojack horseman inspired bloke stood on a ladder contributing absolutely nothing to the song. But that was more weird than funny, and had me longing for the days of Lordi. Norway's entry JOWST had the potential to be entertaining too, with one of them donning a Daft Punk style mask, but their song was so bland that I can't even recall the tune of it.

The other ‘silly’ performance that stood out to me was Croatia, who ultimately earned my respect (even though I have since found out he was voted Homophobe of the Year back in 2006, which is very disappointing), as Jacques Houdek basically sang a duet by himself, going into falsetto ranges for the woman’s part and then dropping to hilariously deep notes for the man’s part. The glorious Graham Norton described the set-up perfectly in his commentary, “Ironically, for a man singing a song called ‘My Friend’, he doesn’t appear to have any, so he’s singing it all himself”. All the while as Jacques sang, in scenes which reminded me of the end of The Lion King when Simba looks up at the sky and sees the memory of Mufassa, the background was massive, almost sinister shots of the singer’s face. Only in Eurovision.

I suppose I have to give a shout-out to the UK’s entry, Lucie Jones, who admittedly was the best vocally and definitely did a better job of representing us than past contestants. Obviously since the rest of Europe low-key hates us, she was never going to win. And to be honest, I can’t say I blame Europe. Even without Brexit, it’s kind of embarrassing to see the Ukrainian hosts have a far better grasp of the English language than many of its mother-tongue speakers that you see on Jeremy Kyle and the like, when people in the UK can’t even be bothered to look up the Ukrainian phrase for ‘hello’. It’s Zdravstvuyte, by the way. Try saying that six times without stopping. Still, Lucie earned a respectable 111 points and smiled in the face of adversity. By ‘adversity’, I mean the absolute SHADE of Ireland giving us zero points. Ireland, welcome to your tape. At least Australia gave us 12 points though. Thanks Australia, love you lots! 

The winner of the night was the Portuguese contestant Salvador Sobral, who in my opinion looked like the lovechild of Jesse Eisenberg and Borat. I was all very pleased for Portugal’s first ever victory in over 50 odd years, as the ballad was rather sweet, until he got up on stage and said, “We live in a world of fast food music...I think this could be a victory for...people that make music that actually means something. Music is not fireworks, music is feeling”. I’m not a fan of that attitude, ‘my music is better than yours’. Pretentiousness is not endearing, Salvador, plus there’s plenty of meaning in Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’; we’ve all felt like that drifting plastic bag. Geez. He then did his encore, getting his sister (who wrote the song) to sing bits for him, and she was actually better than he was. A lot less creepy, too. Is it mean to call someone with a heart condition creepy? Probably, but look at him here!

Still, well done to the winner. It is reassuring to see that victory goes to those with genuine talent, and I've always been a fan of countries who have never won before getting their time to shine. So go Portugal!

Other honourable mentions of the night go to the variety of suits the hosts wore (even if their banter was like a glass of overly diluted orange squash), people comparing Katrina from Katrina and the waves to Shirley from Eastenders, the guy who mooned during Jamala’s song, Italy performing with Harambe and poor old Spain only scoring 5 measly points. Was Eurovision a good night of telly? Absolutely, if you’re a pre-established fan. But would I recommend 2017’s contest to someone who’s never watched Eurovision before and wants to get a good understanding of it? Probably not. 


(All images belong to the BBC)