Regarding Riverdale: You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet
Yes,
Kevin, you are a directing
trainwreck.
Just a
heads up: this is major spoiler territory for the latest episode of Riverdale. This was a musical special. 'Special' is a term I use loosely. Frankly, I don’t even know
what I’ve just watched. Riverdale
used to be a murder mystery/high school drama hybrid, did it not? Who killed
Jason Blossom was the storyline, and there was enough cheerleading and who’s
dating who to keep it at least attached to a genre. So why have they gone in
the most absurd direction ever by having a musical episode? And who took
Stephen King’s Carrie and decided to
make it into a musical, let alone with horrible songs and embarrassing dance routines? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?
This
episode, aptly titled ‘A Night to Remember’, had so many head-scratching
moments that I genuinely don’t know where to begin. I don’t know the source
material as well as I’d like to, but naturally Veronica was playing Chris, the
bully, singing about how you ‘get nowhere being nice’, which gave Betty the
opportunity to majestically savage her and call her a ‘spoiled rich girl’ with ‘major
daddy issues’. Ouch. Chuck Clayton,
the pervert you may remember from the third episode (the one we have to blame
for the birth of Dark Betty) was back and playing the baddy, but I’ll let him
off because he at least recognised the irony in that casting choice. Archie and
Betty are cast as boyfriend and girlfriend Tommy Ross and Sue, and you just know that the writers are planning to
have them get together down the line. We all love a good love triangle...or
square, if you count Jughead...don’t we?
Why on
earth is Cheryl Blossom playing the ‘iconic’ role of Carrie White when last
episode she was being detained in a conversion camp? Who is she living with?
Has she gone back home to the same people that put her in that place? And Ethel
Muggs (aka Barb from Stranger Things)
wasn’t exactly wrong when she coughed and muttered ‘tone deaf’ in regards to
Cheryl’s talents, either; all of Cheryl’s singing was toe-curling and cringey.
I think the actress’ lip-syncing was off. Her mouth’s pretty big, so maybe it’s
that, but the occasional word just came out at completely the wrong time. It’s
a shame the sandbag that was dropped on her missed. Yes, you read that right.
Someone tried to drop a sandbag on Cheryl. Someone took such issue with her
performance, in fact, that someone claiming to be The Black Hood sent a letter
demanding that Cheryl needed to be replaced, or else. How ominous. Cheryl
describes this as ‘thespian terrorism’. Given the political climate we live in
today, I personally think it’s a bit insensitive for her to use the word ‘terrorism’
in lieu of someone taking issue with her playing Carrie White, but that’s just
my opinion. And don’t even get me started on the bit where she covered herself
in fake blood and threatened her mother. Cheryl really bugged me this episode.
Why is
Alice playing Carrie’s mother? Kevin says it’s because ‘there’s nothing more
amateur than age-inappropriate casting’ (except for the lip-syncing this
episode), but that is the backbone of a high school production, and anyway,
Josie is playing the gym teacher, so THAT’S a bit of age-inappropriate casting,
thank you very much! If you’re going to be ridiculous at least be consistent. But
I think I know why Alice is in the play; it’s both to establish her kind-of
love interest FP losing interest in her, and to show how the loss of Hal, Polly
and Chic is ruining her life, and that all she has left is Betty. Alice’s story
arc is quite sad, actually, so naturally Jughead was there to FILM about it.
Of
course it’s Jughead creeping around
with the camera getting all the backstage footage, jokingly telling Archie ‘big
brother is watching you’, which no doubt had Orwell turning in his grave. Once
again he was the Hercule Poirot of Riverdale High as he tried to figure out who
sent the notes, coming to the conclusion that it was Ethel because she had
magazines in her dressing room bin with letters cut out of them. It does look
shifty, I must admit.
Cheryl’s
mother, who is a great villain, refused to give parental permission for Cheryl
to be in the play, so the ‘iconic’ role of Carrie was given to Midge Klump. You
know, Midge. No? Me, neither. It's this girl, apparently.
The
upcoming mayoral elections of Riverdale had an undertone in this episode.
Hermione Lodge’s election campaign was printed on the back of the play’s
programmes – bloody politicians – and dad goals Fred Andrews helped build the
set, no doubt to win favour with parents. Poor Fred was in for a disappointing
shock when Hiram Lodge swaggered in and casually announced that he bought
Archie a car. I don’t like that they made Hiram petty. I liked him being pure
evil, it worked, but buying Archie just to lord it over his dad? Weak move, Mr
Lodge.
Before
the show starts there’s a ghastly musical number in the cast’s dressing room,
about how excited they are for Saturday night, aka the prom scene in Carrie. The girls wear hair rollers and
giggle about pretty dresses and limousines, while the guys, unsurprisingly,
just want to get laid, singing “We’ll be leaving as boys but be coming home as
men.” Someone wrote that. Men had to sing that. Just tragic.
And
then it’s show time. Alice, as Carrie’s mother, sings about ‘the woman waking
inside [Carrie]’, which I suppose is a nicer way of saying ‘Carrie got her
period’. There’s a bit of worry with Kevin and Cheryl as Midge hasn’t started
singing yet. Then the stage lifts up to reveal Carrie’s closet, and THIS:
To
quote Jughead, “I don’t think that’s part of the show.” Give that boy a gold
star.
Midge
has been rather brutally killed, even though the demand of ‘The Black Hood’ to
replace Cheryl as Carrie White was fulfilled. Honestly, I don’t know whether to
respect the Riverdale writers for
having a genuinely shocking, didn’t-expect-that ending, or if I should have
thrown my remote at the TV (not that I could have done that, since I watched
the episode at my friend’s house). So The Black Hood is claiming to be back
from the dead to kill ‘all those who escaped’. Naturally, this sends the
audience into a screaming panic, which leads to my favourite scene: Chic
remaining in his seat, cool as a cucumber, while the rest of the audience is
running around, screaming and panicked.
So what
do I think will happen next? Well, I couldn’t predict the musical episode, or
Midge’s death, so who knows? Maybe Jughead and Betty, detectives
extraordinaire, will take on The Black Hood copycat, or maybe the wrong guy was
shot entirely. Maybe Midge was killed by The Black Hood’s ghost and Sam and
Dean Winchester are going to come in for a Supernatural
crossover. Maybe Hiram and Archie
will give in to their weird sexual tension. Or maybe I’ll just get so
frustrated with this show that I’ll stop watching.
One
thing’s for sure, I have a horrible feeling that we ain’t seen nothing yet.
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