Previously on Love Island

After a slow start, Love Island 2019 FINALLY picked up. The ads for Hey Tracey and Shopping with Keith Lemon don't even make me think 'I've got a degree, why am I wasting my life?!' anymore. I just bloody love this show. It's comforting to know that in an ever-unpredictable world, there are some constants. Caroline Flack is still a bland presenter with terrible dress sense, the villa still has a tragically under-used pool, and the official Love Island website continues to sell named plastic bottles for £15 when they're actually worth about £2.17, if that.

I don't really rate this year's islanders. My favourite is Anton, who I wanted to dislike at first because he was far too much of a lad in his pre-show interview, and the size of his calves upsets me. I just love his sunny attitude in the face of his horrendous luck (plus I'm prone to a Glaswegian accent...James McAvoy...Richard Madden...) He’s quite a gentleman at times, surprisingly, and doesn’t expect things from girls just because he’s nice to them. And yes, Love Island has set the bar so low it’s underground. But I do like him. Bless him.

Michael's great. And I do like Maura as a character; the makes things in the villa actually bloody interesting, though if I met her in real life I'd agree with that utter slimeball Tom that she's a cringey attention seeker, although I do love how she tore Tom a new one for coming out with the heinously sexist “Let’s see what that mouth does”, or however he phrased it. I don't like any of the others. I want to like Amber but she's so relentlessly blunt and unfriendly that she manages to put me off her at least once an episode, and even if she does rectify that by being equally as much of a queen, I can't say I'm too keen. 

I have mixed feelings about Tommy Fury, ingeniously renamed ‘Thomas Furious’ by the internet. I screeched my head off when that lad said “he doesn’t have enough in his head for it to be turned” because honestly, Thomas Furious’ eyes just glaze over about thirty seconds into a conversation. Despite being dumb enough to make that sandwich for Maura, he is probably the most emotionally mature person in there, which is his redeeming feature. He was very understanding and mature about Lucie telling him she likes him, and he was very respectful of Molly-Mae’s feelings towards that. So, he’s basically Forrest Gump. And I do love Forrest Gump. Run, Tommy, run!

Amy’s a bit whiney, needing to play the victim a lot, claiming she has a “six to one chance of being cheated on”. Which may be true, but honestly, if Mr Ballroom Curtis is going to cheat on Amy with anyone, it’ll be Tommy. That’s not even because he’s a dancer, and I’m stereotyping dancing as being for gay men. He just has such a connection with Tommy and looks at him in the way we all want to be looked at. “Why am I having doubts?” he asks himself in the confessional booth. Because you love Tommy, Curtis. Even if you aren’t fully gay, you do fancy Tommy. Sorry. Curtis just pisses me off, always breaking up fights like he doesn’t want the show to ever get interesting, and he’s like an automated Tumblr-post flinging machine, constantly coming out with what he no doubt thinks of as gems like “Don’t let the clock get the better of you. Be the clock. Don’t let time pass you by.” Calm down, hun.

Then again, that’s still better than Michael’s tattoo. That reads “Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it”, in case you didn’t know. And if he wasn’t a firefighter who displayed genuine courage in his profession, I would have cringed myself to death when I first read that.

Lucie is my firm least favourite – I do think it's a bit rude that she doesn’t brush her hair and insists on stealing my name and spelling it wrong – because she's unbearably fake. Always playing the victim, crying in every other episode, desperately fawning over Tommy even before that infamous tweet challenge enlightened her (although this year, the producers went for quite tame tweets, which was disappointing). She went behind Molly-Mae's back, and would have gladly stolen Molly’s man, and she didn't even seem that sorry because "never say never". She didn't get off to a good start with me by introducing herself as a 'surfer', which is not a career. It's a hobby. That's like when uni students describe themselves as 'lawyers' or 'doctors', or even if I suddenly started referring to myself as a 'writer' – if it's not paying your bills, it's not your profession. Calm down. I even yelled "I KNEW IT" at the screen when Lucie finally admitted that her actual profession and source of income is modelling. So, she's a model who likes to surf. And thank GOD her misuse of 'bev' and 'bevvy' died around episode 3. A bev is a drink, nothing else. Well, I suppose it could be a nickname for 'Beverly'. 

Disclaimer: I don't agree with how Lucie's social media accounts are being trolled. This show is 24 hours of footage distilled into one hour. It's cleverly done.

Now back to slagging off random people on TV.

It’s finally the highlight of the season, Casa Amor. The new girls who entered the villa all repulse me; they’re soooo arrogant, even by Love Island’s standards. “Let’s steal some men!” they all squawked over their cheap champagne glasses. Joanne – or is it Joanna? – is the one who’s the fittest, probably because she looks like a pre-botox Megan.

And in Casa Amor itself, the girls’ heads are being turned, too. Mostly Anna’s head has been turned by Ovie, which is fair enough, because thanks to a meme I can only see Jordan, her current beau back in the villa, as Crazy Eyes from Orange is the New Black (it’s the hairstyle, look it up). "The conversation just flows differently when you're in London," Anna gushed while talking about Ovie, like it's his chat that's turning her head rather than the fact that he's a six foot seven professional basketball player. As she ‘joked’, Jordan who? Not that he’s particularly loyal, inviting Jourdan (the lass) to share his bed. They were always built on shaky foundations.

Lucie is flirting with Sandwich Boy 2.0 in the white jeans, whatever his name is. Am I excited to see something blossom between them? No. I literally couldn’t care less. Maura is cracking on with someone six years younger than her who isn’t after the same thing, so I’m waiting for that to go tits up basically immediately, especially since a snog that early on just makes me think all they have in common is sexual attraction. Also, can the sound people please turn down the microphones when the islanders kiss? It’s revolting. The squelching noises and little moans make my dinner threaten to come back up.   

I liked that the three in serious couples all slept outside in respect for their mutual partners, on the men’s and women’s side. And I wouldn’t make a further comment, but then again, Amy should probably be worried that Curtis and Tommy are under a duvet together.

And is Michael going to stray? You could just see Amber was forcing him into his shell.

In short, I am finally enjoying this year’s series. Will I continue to watch? Absolutely. And would I love to see Anton happy and win with a nice girl (maybe not that Belle and her “big fuck-off nails”) he can introduce to his bum-shaving Mum? Most definitely.