Love Island: A Prude's Perspective
#DecisionTime #TheChoiceIsYours - Jessica's text
The show, featuring 'sizzling days and steamy nights' is hosted by none other than Harry Styles' older lady friend Caroline Flack, who is the human equivalent of a tuna sandwich. Couldn't they have got someone with good banter to host this show? Flacky just kind of stood there cracking bad 'jokes' and dropping in the odd comment about faithfulness and how gorgeous all the women are. 'Gorgeous' is a term I'd use very loosely as well. The only thing faker than the skin tones of the contestants was the ladies' collective bosoms.
I feel as though you have to be a particular type of person to appear on a programme like Love Island; namely, you need thousands of followers on Instagram, a lot of pheromones and enough fake tan to fill a bath tub. The first 'challenge' was lovely, and something that no doubt had Emmeline Pankhurst spinning in her grave; the women, dressed in flimsy swimwear and staggeringly high heels, got to stand in a line and be chosen by the men. Charming, I know. So, what type of people did we get to see in the first episode?
The only couple I can name off the top of my head is Chloe and Kem. Either his parents didn't know how to spell 'Ken' or I'm too middle class for this show. Kem is my favourite actually, and not just because he looks a little bit like Lord Farquaad from Shrek, but because he picked Chloe in spite of her having gone on dates with his best friend. They're both from Essex, the land of having an accent that makes one sound like they have an IQ of sixty, so maybe it's meant to be. They didn't seem to be very flirty, they were 'more like mates'. She did say she was looking for a husband, though.
The next couple I can remember is Sam and Camilla, aka SamCam. Not much there to concern yourself with, she's very plain and he's very meh. The unluckiest villa member was definitely Marcel, who had no girls step forward to say they fancied him. "I'm just waiting to see who else comes on," the other girls lied. I reckon it's because at 31, Marcel is years older than the rest of the contestants. "I was in Blazing Squad," Marcel bragged several times this episode. No one cares about your music career, Marcel.
The show proves itself to me to be incredibly classy, from the type of music they play to the show's location. This villa, while posh, has a bed in every single room (as if they all have to sleep in one room as well, how shameless you'd have to be to have some hanky panky surrounded by eight other people) and a pool that will, by the end of the series, be 'filled with semen'. 'Semen' wasn't the word used but I'm not crass enough to quote directly.
So everyone got coupled up and that was all well and dandy, until a new woman was introduced (shock horror). Her name is Jessica, she's a model and she was wearing a leather-look swimming costume that went halfway up her backside. Jessica had a rivalry with fellow brunette Montana (seriously, watching these girls interact is like the last scene in Animal Farm when the animals can't differentiate between the pigs and the humans - they all look the same!). Jessica and Montana used to text the same boy, you see. And, interestingly, Jessica, as the only 'single' girl, got to choose one of the boys to form a couple with. Naturally, Jessica did the bitchy, petty move (obviously I idolise that) and picked Montana's boyf, whose name is either Dom or Tom. Montana was 'very pissed off' and territorial, which I found rather bizarre considering they've all only known each other for twenty four hours. If you're that attached to someone after twenty four hours, you're a bit too intense for my liking.
Just look at the barely restrained rage on Montana's face, if you can look beyond the bizarre squinting of Tom/Dom. Quality viewing. ^
That 'I just stole your man' feeling. ^
Overall, whilst Love Island made me feel a bit sick and saddened at the way romance has actually died in our generation (at least on TV), I am certainly intrigued enough to watch episode two. The definition of 'love' is clearly very loose on this show; the producers should really have taken a leaf out of Austin Powers' book and called it 'Shag Island'. Still, I love how intelligent these vapid contestants make me feel, even if I am jealous of the girls' abs, and I'm certainly eager to see how the next few weeks play out. Maybe I need a hobby.
All images belong to ITV
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