And They Say Romance Is Dead

In a move that I can only describe as ‘desperately grappling for ratings and attention’, Jessica Shears and Dom Lever have got ‘married’ on Good Morning Britain as a Valentine’s Day special. Don’t remember who they are? I don’t blame you, but they were on Love Island back in the summer. Jess was the girl who came in a little bit later than the first bunch and deliberately picked Dom to couple up with to annoy Montana, parading around in a leather-look swimsuit that went halfway up her surgically-enhanced bottom. Dom is the guy who proudly announced he’s had a foursome before, and somehow didn’t know Marcel was in Blazing Squad until day five. He also didn’t leave the island when Jess got kicked off, but that’s none of my business. You can now find them on Instagram promoting tooth whitening kits or protein powder, that kind of thing.

Arguably this fake, televised wedding was much more exciting than the demise of Chris and the angry Liv’s relationship (THANK GOD HE’S FREE), but not as interesting as Kem’s stint on Dancing On Ice. Yes, Kem now qualifies as a ‘celebrity’, and meanwhile Camilla and Jamie have been doing charity work and trying to make the world a better place. None of them were there to attend the ceremony, sadly. I would have loved to have seen Theo (remember him?) stood in the background smirking and making inappropriate comments to undermine the whole sorry affair.

My hero, Jeremy Kyle, was there as a guest – or maybe a presenter, I don’t watch enough Good Morning Britain to tell you. No doubt he’s got his lie detector and DNA test on standby for when Jess and Dom are next a little short of cash and sell their ‘she cheated and now she’s knocked up, it’s a Muggy Mike junior!’ storyline to OK magazine. Seriously, I’m predicting it now. Some kind of messy divorce will have to happen.

“If anyone has any reason as to why they shouldn’t get married on GMB, join the queue,” said the acting ‘minister’ Richard Arnold, which would have been a fantastic opportunity for some audience interaction, or for Montana to come storming in like “Jess stole him from me on day one”. Then again, I’ve always had a taste for drama. Richard Arnold also said “It’s a beautiful thing we’re doing this morning”. I hope that was sarcasm because if it wasn’t, he’s on some serious drugs, and needs rehab urgently. There’s literally nothing beautiful about two overly tanned gormless ninnies making unromantic vows to each other whilst standing in no doubt cheap swimwear in the ITV studios. They didn’t look in love; they looked like they were trying to get their best angles on camera, especially Jess’ gravity-defying bosom, and as someone who’s a bit of a sentimentalist, I found it actually quite sad to watch. Marriage is meant to be the ultimate step in any relationship, and they made it look so cheap and meaningless. Shame on you, ITV.

The vows were especially insulting. Jess promised Dom, “I will not pie you off”, which I think loosely translates into ‘in sickness and in health’, or ‘I will not cheat on you’. You know, traditional wedding vows. She won’t even cheat on him with ‘Muggy Mike’ – yes, that’s his official name now. She’d be a bit hard-pressed to do that, to be fair, since he’s currently on Celebs Go Dating making Gemma Collins look like a perfect person to date. Honestly, this little scrote treats women like tissues, and it’s so despicably sexist that even his own parents don’t want to talk to him because they're so embarrassed by his antics. Seriously, look it up.

“Well done,” Presenter Kate Garraway said, as if they’d just completed The Great North Run. If getting married in a not legally binding ceremony on national television warrants a ‘well done’ then I’m owed about a million medals just for getting out of bed in the morning to the sight of those two tearing down the sanctity of marriage. Apparently the real deal is going to be in Mykonos, which I always assumed was a party destination – actually, that’s quite fitting. Probably going to exchange their meaningless vows after a couple of vodkas with bloody Despactio playing instead of Wagner's Bridal Chorus. 

I’d rather have seen Piers Morgan’s angry, sagging face on my television screen, to be honest.