Around The Twist

For the love of God, do not watch this show with your parents, or if you've got a nervous disposition. I’m a bit of a prude. Well, that’s an understatement. I hate nakedness. I am that person who cringes at women who walk around with their skirts halfway up their arses (sorry if that’s slut shaming them but seriously, put your wobbly bits away) or men who take their tops off when the temperature rises above twenty degrees. I hate how nipples look no matter who they belong to, I hate unsightly hair and stretch marks and scars and pimples and moles and all the gross stuff humans come with. Now, I am no shining beauty. I too have scars and stretch marks, and I can’t remember the last time I had a spot-free chin. But I don’t parade myself around either, and I certainly don’t stand stark naked on national television titled Naked Attraction. Yes, this show actually exists. Yes, it’s on Channel Four, the edgy teenager wailing ‘no one understands me’ of television channels, b...

This one’s for my mandem, little bit leave it. Did I say that right? Moving swiftly on... I watched this episode on plus one and was promised mega drama, and even got asked to review it. Like Kem’s hairstyles I do not disappoint, so here it is. Last night's episode kicked off in the hideaway with ‘the new Jamilla’. And AT LAST Camzilla in the villa’s lonely days are over and she couldn’t stop smiling in spite of her badly burned scalp (seriously babe, buy a sunhat). The two of them decided to tell people that they bonked even when they didn’t – which even the voiceover guy pointed out as being very sixteen-year-old ish. The girls all screamed, Montana even declaring she was “going to have a heart attack”. I’d like to say that’s not how women talk, but that would be a lie. Unfortunately, it is. Squealing and all. Camilla was worried she'd be the one who was unconvincing, but really, that was on Jamie. Forget Jesus being betrayed by Judas; the real sorrow is in h...

When it comes to deciding my least favourite contestant on Love Island, there's a lot of tough competition. There's Olivia, the kind of girl that would smack you in the face with a bin lid during a fight over chicken nuggets, or Jonny, who can be a kind-at-first-yet-actually-scummy piece of work yet still have everything work in his favour, or there's Craig, who has a tattoo of gallows on his arm and is clearly only flirting with Camilla for money and popularity, and let's not forget Gabby, that annoying friend in a relationship trying to set up all the other singletons because she 'just wants them to be as happy as her'. But after 24 episodes of Love Island - yes, that's right, this has basically been consuming my life for a month - I can confirm that my least favourite islander is Amber. Amber is that girl we all hated in school; vapid, vain and a huge attention-seeker, who can dish out the nastiness but not take it. All series she's had her sa...