The Wiener Takes It All

This one’s for my mandem, little bit leave it. Did I say that right? Moving swiftly on...

I watched this episode on plus one and was promised mega drama, and even got asked to review it. Like Kem’s hairstyles I do not disappoint, so here it is. Last night's episode kicked off in the hideaway with ‘the new Jamilla’. And AT LAST Camzilla in the villa’s lonely days are over and she couldn’t stop smiling in spite of her badly burned scalp (seriously babe, buy a sunhat). The two of them decided to tell people that they bonked even when they didn’t – which even the voiceover guy pointed out as being very sixteen-year-old ish. The girls all screamed, Montana even declaring she was “going to have a heart attack”. I’d like to say that’s not how women talk, but that would be a lie. Unfortunately, it is. Squealing and all.

Camilla was worried she'd be the one who was unconvincing, but really, that was on Jamie. Forget Jesus being betrayed by Judas; the real sorrow is in his lookalike Jamie's eyes upon not getting laid. Tragic.

We then cut to Jonny and Georgia having a chat about Tyla dumping Jonny the night before. Tut tut Tyla for eavesdropping on Jonny, who seems to always have the blazing sun in his eyes – no, no, Marcel, I said ‘blazing sun’, not squad – as he talked with Georgia about having no more pressure on him. He’s confusing Tyla (can’t be too difficult) by being as hot and cold as Katy Perry’s smash 2008 hit. When he was with her, he was miserable and moody. When she dumped him, he was all jolly. Usually it’s the other way round, and that clearly struck a nerve with Tyla, who wanted Jonny to try harder to be with her. Guess she’ll have to take her live, laugh, love tattoo and mourn the end of her ten day relationship...or, you know, ‘crack on’ with Theo. That’s a possiblility too.

Can you spot Tyla? 

But onto Theo, ever the opportunist, who took time out of his busy jumping-over-the-pool days to stick it on Tyla. “I’ll move to London and we’ll live happily ever after,” he promised. To be fair, Tyla can do a lot worse than a tall, ripped professional athlete. Or at least that’s what I thought until he started ignoring Tyla’s valiant efforts to show she didn’t want to date him. According to him “girls like saying there’s no chance,” which is the ultimate creepy guy rationalisation. She wasn’t playing hard to get, Theo. She was just playing Jonny.  

Theo claims he ‘helped Tyla sack things off with Jonny’ but to be fair, Theo, that’s like being proud you got Adele to write a depressing song about her ex – it was going to happen anyway. “By the end of the week we’ll be sharing a bed” he predicts. Legend has it he conducted a séance with the spirits of purgatory to reach that conclusion. So why am I doubtful? Hmmm.

I realised twenty minutes into this episode that there was a profound lack of Kem. Probably something to do with him almost knocking up Amber, because you know, condoms are soooo hard to come by. What, I'm coming across as judgemental? Oops.

Then it was challenge time. ‘Sausage Fest’ of course is Liv’s idea of a Saturday night out – I’m just annoyed she beat me to that joke. Cow. The first stage of the challenge, I kid you not, was to make sausages. Girls shaped them, boys stuffed. There’s something rather uncomfortable and awkward about girls handling sausages being praised “good technique” by guys, so hats off to the producers there. Who says you can’t be funny after running out of ideas? The Simpsons managed it. Oh, wait...

Hats off to the voiceover guy for finally making me laugh out loud though, “They’ve been shafted. Aw, who wrote this?!” Who wrote it indeed? Round two involved the boys squirting the girls with ketchup as they held baskets of sausages. I could have gone my whole life without hearing Kem say “a little bit squirty” but there you go. In stage three, the boys had to stuff sausages in the girls’ bikinis. Such majestic imagery, I’m telling you. Just think; some poor, once ambitious whippersnapper learned about camerawork and television production only to have to film and edit men stuffing sausages into girls’ bikinis. The only thing that made me keep my will to live was they played ‘Bonkers’ by Dizzee Rascal, which is an absolute banger. Pun fully intended.

We had yet another rap interlude, and I'm starting to think I'm just not cultured enough for this show. Kem, once again, made an episode I was a bit bored with worth watching by spouting, “Kem, I swear I’m five foot ten”.  Five foot ten. Precious1 And what does “little bit leave it” even mean? Is it a reference? Like I said, too uncultured.

Can I just say how creepy the AA advert with the child ‘singing’ Proud Mary is? Oh, right, back to Love Island, and back to the tedious Jonny/Tyla 'love' story. Whilst I don’t think Tyla is particularly worth ‘putting up a fight’ over, I still wouldn’t wish a creep like Theo on her. I liked Theo in early episodes for winding up Jonny, but then he had to go all creepy. Men, if you’re reading this and pursuing an uninterested girl, persistence does NOT pay off. Also, Tyla, it’s not worth letting your guard down over blokes like Jonny. If someone doesn’t make you happy in the early days – remember this is ten days they’ve been together – what makes you think they will down the line? Move over, Dr Marcel, am I right?

Then FINALLY the drama I was waiting for happened.  The public voted for their favourite islander, with the least popular at risk of being dumped. With Georgia being immune, it was a smidge hard to call, though I knew Jonny would hardly rake in the popularity votes. The four with the fewest votes were Amber, Tyla, Jonny and Olivia (THANK GOD). SO satisfying. Seriously, watching Amber realise how unpopular she was had me frothing at the mouth with a spiteful glee. “What am I doing wrong?” the unpopular Amber asked. In case you’re wondering that, too, check my earlier blog post. God, it was so fun to watch her pout. I love it when cocky people get taken down a peg or two.

Just when you thought things couldn’t get more dramatic, the two islanders with the fewest votes had to decide between them WHICH ONE WOULD BE DUMPED. WHOA. That was JONNY AND TYLA. HAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHA. SO. FRICKING. FUNNY. What a marvellous climax to this storyline. Now, I guess you could say Jonny redeemed himself by comforting the crying girl and nobly leaving the villa so she could stay, thus making the entire viewership of this show happy. “What a gentleman” Amber said. Cue the heart-wrenching background music to try and make you feel sorry for the two most dislikeable people in the villa. Honestly, Alex's face said it all. Bored.

Tyla, upon having her man finally ‘fight’ for her by giving up, burst into the most agonising wailing. Not even Kanye West kicked up that much of a fuss when Beyonce didn't win 'Best Video' at the MTV awards. It’s not ‘absolutely outrageous’ that Jonny had to go; it’s the nature of the damn show. Bell bottom jeans are absolutely outrageous. Chris not being allowed to rap was absolutely outrageous. Not this. And to the background of Tyla’s violent caterwauling, MORE CRYING. I’m genuinely stunned at how sad the islanders all were to see Jonny go, considering I was celebrating likely with the bulk of the British public. The infinity pool could have been filled with their tears, honestly. But huzzah, Jonny’s gone. Woo!

As Tyla continued to sob like it was going out of fashion, Theo said what we were all thinking: “If she likes him that much she should go, too”. Everyone kicked off at him for saying that, leaving him to skulk off like a dog chased away from the dinner table after it begged for some scraps. “It was the truth though” he sadly muttered to himself. It WAS the truth, Theo. I was taking note of it about a second before he said it. Nobhead comment, yeah, but entertaining. I can’t say I disagreed at all. Plus, I just have to point out the hypocrisy of Liv asking him if he’s “all there”. Yeah, Liv, because to be “all there” apparently you need to shout at people on a daily basis and have a go at your boyfriend just for wanting to make people feel welcome and comfortable. Such logic.

So how do you wrap up an episode like this? With an announcement that two new boys may be entering the villa, of course. Or, even better, the chance of TWO OLD BOYS RETURNING. That’s right, ladies. Muggy Mike or Middlesbrough Sam may be coming back to settle their ‘unfinished business’. Outstanding.