Naked Repulsion

For the love of God, do not watch this show with your parents, or if you've got a nervous disposition.

I’m a bit of a prude. Well, that’s an understatement. I hate nakedness. I am that person who cringes at women who walk around with their skirts halfway up their arses (sorry if that’s slut shaming them but seriously, put your wobbly bits away) or men who take their tops off when the temperature rises above twenty degrees. I hate how nipples look no matter who they belong to, I hate unsightly hair and stretch marks and scars and pimples and moles and all the gross stuff humans come with. Now, I am no shining beauty. I too have scars and stretch marks, and I can’t remember the last time I had a spot-free chin. But I don’t parade myself around either, and I certainly don’t stand stark naked on national television titled Naked Attraction.

Yes, this show actually exists. Yes, it’s on Channel Four, the edgy teenager wailing ‘no one understands me’ of television channels, but I was rather astonished to see this show existed. I can’t believe someone came up with the concept. Boasting the charming tagline ‘we like to start where a good date ends’, this show literally involves six (is it even six? I couldn’t look most of the time) people stood in these Hunger Games inspired glass pods, absolutely utterly naked, to be judged by one person on how ‘attractive’ they are. That's exactly what the nation needs, you see; sensationalist nakedness to make us all feel uncomfortable and inferior.

Based on the episodes I have watched, generally one man has appeared on the show, all single and looking for love. And what a place to look! He then gets to gawp at six starkers women as their bodies are shown in segments; legs and hips first, then upwards. At least they get the worst bit out of the way first I guess, with enough graphic shots of front bottoms to make you sympathise with every gynaecologist ever. Literally, you will learn that all vaginas look wildly different, to the point of sheer obscenity. And I admit, it may even make you panic about your own, because there is no 'normal' design. Seriously, they are all totally, horrifyingly different. The sick monsters who edit this show actually zoomed in on the vaginas, and I even saw one woman wiggle hers. That wasn’t what Jason Derulo had in mind! Honestly, I’ve never envied the blind more.

At the end of each round, the man decides which woman he finds the least attractive and drops her. One by one, women are dismissed because they "don't stand up straight enough" or they "have funny shaped collarbones" - honestly, I thought I was picky. To be fair, I think telling a woman "you're too curvy for me to handle" is code for "you're too fat", but then again this isn't a safe show to read into. The bodies he finds least attractive get dumped until there are two women left. But then, because equality, single man, reveal yourself! – literally. The man strips off too, allowing the women snicker to each other and comment on what they like and dislike about his body, and then he picks which woman he wants to go on a date with. They awkwardly hug without accidentally touching each other up, which is funny I must admit, before leaving the studio, naked still, hand in hand. Ah, bottoms. Bottoms are so weird.

They then proceed to date, clothed this time as they’re in public (THANK GOD). Generally, these dates don’t lead onto others (I couldn’t possibly imagine why), but the guy whose episode I watched last Thursday continued to see his new lady friend. Cute. And again, for the sake of equality, the process is repeated only this time with a woman choosing from six blokes. Be prepared to see a lot of willies. I personally find this round easier, probably because I can’t compare myself to the contestants, but it’s still absolutely grim.

"This is such a tough decision"

The first episode I watched was also the first to show people of the trans community transitioning from ‘male’ to ‘female’ and vice versa. Now, I think it’s excellent that they broadcast this. All sorts of people need to be on this show because, simply put, there are all sorts of people, and what’s ‘normal’ is certainly changing within society. But it certainly reaffirmed something for me; I am not ready to see anyone naked. Anyone. I was so overwhelmed watching this that I genuinely teared up and had a splitting headache afterwards; it was quite the emotional journey. And that was mostly from seeing all the ladies’ bits to be honest. I don’t want to see men jiggle their willies or hear Sue from Bake Off’s wife (she’s the presenter) call someone’s vagina ‘cute’. CUTE. PRIVATE PARTS ARE NOT CUTE. Also, I like that it’s ok for her to ogle someone and call their privates ‘cute’, presumably because as a woman she doesn't come across as threatening or pervy. Just imagine if this show was hosted by the bloke who plays Phil Mitchell staring at naked women and gruffly calling them cute. I have a feeling this show would be banned from airing and riots would ensue if that was the case. But let’s not get political here.

You may be wondering why I’ve endured now four episodes of this show. Despite it being absolutely harrowing at some points, and so clinically done it makes me never want to go to a doctor’s surgery again, there is something oddly satisfactory at looking at naked people and thinking “I’ve got better hips than her” or “my boyfriend has longer legs than him”. Of course, it also goes vice versa, like “that woman’s stomach is so much flatter than mine, waaah”, and if you’re prone to developing complexes, you shouldn’t watch it. For instance, I saw one man on twitter having a crisis about how he thought his nipples were now too dark. They’re nipples. It doesn’t matter. They’re useless on men, anyway.

Plus, I really enjoy the moments when the rejected naked people descend from their pods, and we get to learn about who they are. For instance, Jason, a 36-year-old office manager from Brighton, got to tell the camera that he was “definitely disappointed to be kicked off on the first round”. It’s alright, mate! It’s not as if everyone you know will have watched this and will now tease you for the next twenty years about how you got naked on national television just to be the first one rejected. Hang on...

I love seeing what tattoos some people are insane enough to get as well. The most amusing one I saw was a girl who had ‘follow your bliss’ written in stylised calligraphy above her front bottom. Bliss. A lot of the people have tattoos, which is honestly great because it gives you something to look at other than their disturbing genitalia. There are also these funny ‘science’ interludes that ‘teach’ you nonsense like “men with more chiseled jawlines are more likely to want to sleep around” and “taller women are perceived as more intelligent”. The latter one triggered my five foot one self, I have to say. They also show you statistics you never wanted to know, like what percentage of men trim their downstairs area or what percentage of men feel uncomfortable about dating a woman taller than them. I believe they do this to make the show have a purpose other than to shock people, and they kind of fail at that, in my opinion. There is no educational value in this show. Oh but wait, now I've learned that cavemen liked women with fuller breasts as they appear more fertile. That's it, my life's been changed. I don't need my degree anymore.

If I was a producer of this show, I'd probably want to give it an entertaining soundtrack, like playing 'Careless Whisper' when the private parts are revealed or Akon's 'Lonely' when contestants are rejected. It would be a vast improvement.

So do I recommend this show? Yes and no. Yes because it can be quite funny if you’re watching it with other people; if you’re bitchy and judgemental, you’re provided with some excellent opportunities. No because it’s relentlessly grim and I do overall feel very uncomfortable watching this. It depends on your disposition. If you’re a squeamish prude, I wouldn’t recommend this show. I for instance will never watch it on my own, because ew. But if you’re not fazed by this sort of thing, you might find it interesting. It entirely depends on you.