Hollyoaks: Best And Worst

When I tell people I've watched Hollyoaks religiously for ten years, to the point where I plan my evenings around E4's 7pm showing, the response I typically get is why? Well, I'll tell you why; Hollyoaks is an enjoyable show, and it's provided me with some top-notch entertainment since 2008. So I'm going to tell you about its best - and worst - moments, and in the words of Willam Belli, you're gonna be better for it.

The Best

(Honourable mentions go to Jade and Alfie’s teen cancer storyline and romance, Niall trying to wipe out the McQueen family, Cleo McQueen’s ‘relationship’ with her evil stepfather Pete, and Sarah Barnes’ parachute death)

Newt

This is the character that drew me into watching the soap full-time. He looked intriguing, being the stereotypical ‘emo’ with jet black hair and a lip ring and eyeliner. He was a quiet, good friend with a level head and the occasional witty line. The actor was convincing. And then, in the biggest ever plot twist for my ten-year-old self, Newt’s best friend Eli turned out to be a figment of his imagination, and Newt was diagnosed with schizophrenia. During one of his psychotic breakdowns, Newt ran away from home and encountered a pretty, mysterious girl called Rae. It was less of a shock when she turned out to be a figment of his imagination, too, but the camerawork was fantastic and the acting was impeccable. Newt's storylines were very cleverly done, and Nico Mirallegro is one hell of an actor. Still waiting for him to return to the village...

Brendan Brady

You can’t ask any fan of Hollyoaks who the best character of all time is without a mentioning of Brendan Brady. Northern Irish, sassy, badass and iconic, we all miss that mustache swaggering around the village. His tumultuous relationship with Steven Hay and refusal to accept his sexuality had fans on the edge of their seats, and the introduction of his abusive father only amped up the tension. He’s proof that if a character has a lot of backstory and effort put into them, they can be brilliant.

Silas

This was real murder mystery stuff; for months we didn’t know who was killing the young girls of the village, so imagine our shock when it was revealed to be the cute village granddad, Silas Blissett. You may hear the phrase ‘serial killer granddad’ and think it’s a horrible concept. But Jeff Rawle – who you may recognise in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire as Cedric Diggory’s devastated father – was much more sinister than bizarre, and a fantastic actor. Chessboards still give me goosebumps.

Patrick and Maxine’s Domestic Abuse

There’s just something about psychotic men that makes gripping TV. Hollyoaks was lucky to get Jeremy Sheffield, who is in my opinion one of the best actors to ever appear on a soap at all. His portrayal of Patrick Blake was fantastic; evil and awful through and through, but in a subtle, menacing way. To the untrained eye, he was a stern, level-headed head-teacher. Behind closed doors, he was the manipulative, detestable husband of poor Maxine, played by the brilliant Nikki Sanderson. I’m yet to watch something as shocking as when he forced Maxine to eat an entire wedding cake – all three iced tiers – because she’d lied about spending time with a friend that Patrick disapproved of. Grisly, but incredibly memorable, and the amount of awareness it raised for domestic abuse and the charities that support victims is, in my opinion, very admirable. Nothing was undermined, and the acting was always flawless.

 Uncharted Territories

Hollyoaks has been the first soap to tackle a lot of powerful, important storylines, from the rape of Luke Morgan in 2000, to Anita Roy bleaching her skin to look white as the result of racial bullying in 2009, to Jasmine/Jason Costello being the first character on a soap to experience Gender Identity Disorder in 2011. I will fight anyone who tries to tell me you can’t learn anything from Hollyoaks, because they often go where other soaps are yet to venture.

Explosion Week

Typically takes place in November. Hollyoaks celebrated its 18^th birthday in 2013 in iconic style by blowing up a block of flats and not killing one, but four characters. There was the train crash in 2014, which had some fire thrown in for good measure, and the most recent explosion was at Hollyoaks High School which resulted in the death of Neeta Kaur. My personal favourite explosion week was the bus crash of 2012, in which a minibus drove through an entire wedding reception, ending in the unpleasant teen Queen Bee and vicious bully Maddie Morrison getting squashed by the door of the van when it exploded. Satisfying.

The Worst

Yasmine Maalik

Hollyoaks has created some great teenage characters, like Hannah Ashworth, Alfie Nightingale and Lily Drinkwell. But Yasmine isn’t one of them. She’s gobby, she’s rude, and she says ‘oh em gee’ instead of ‘oh my god’. Just the kind of personality that really grates on me, particularly when she’s onscreen with the equally unpleasant Peri Lomax, probably because she reminds me of a lot of girls I went to school with. Plus, whoever styles her hair in that ponytail needs to be fired. She has lovely hair. Don’t put it in a lopsided beehive.

The Fight for Esther’s Liver

Let me just get this straight...Jade was a new character, and she was very interested in Esther, because Esther had a liver transplant and that liver once belonged to Jade’s boyfriend, and Jade wanted it back. Just mental. Even more mental, when Callum Kane tried to rescue Esther from the liver-loving loony, Jade rammed a samurai sword through his chest. Absolutely mental.

Accidental Incest Baby

So Dodger and Sienna were twins separated when they were babies, and they met when they were thirteen – yes, THIRTEEN – and did the nasty, not knowing they were twins. Sienna got pregnant, her nasty dad (the aforementioned Patrick Blake) made her give the baby up, and fourteen years later Nico arrived in the village, having grown up in care and not knowing her uncle was actually her father, too. Nico was a terror, too, and went on to become Hollyoaks’ first teenage girl serial killer, bumping off anyone who threatened her ‘perfect’ family. In short, Nico was the Joffrey of Hollyoaks. At least they didn’t glorify incest...

Hunter and Neeta

He was a boy, she was his teacher – can I make it any more obvious? She saw real promise in his work (she was an art teacher and he’s an artist, get your mind out the gutter). We were meant to ship it because her boyfriend was horrible and Hunter would do anything for her, but if anything I was just uncomfortable with how immature he was, and how immature she was, taking advantage of him and falling for him seemingly because he told her she was beautiful. Not worth flirting with a prison sentence for, Neeta.

Lockie’s Exit

Lockie Campbell wasn’t my favourite character, but he deserved better than the quiet departure of him driving away because he realised his brother was a bit mad. Cue a mental post-credits scene that showed Cameron – Lockie’s crazy killer brother – driving after him. Next thing we know, Lockie’s dead! Murdered by his own brother off-screen. Just why.

Jesus in a Potato

Back in 2009, our screens were graced – literally – with Carmel McQueen, who was suffering from a crisis of faith, slicing a potato and seeing the face of Jesus in the brown bits of the spud’s flesh. Thus, her crisis of faith was fixed. That’s literally the storyline. Ridiculous.

All images belong to Lime Pictures and Channel Four.